Life as we know it...

In the last few weeks life as we know it has changed.  Fears we've had have come true and we're working through our grief one day at a time. 

A week ago Monday, we learned Yaya's birthmother passed away.  Bird and I were beside ourselves with questions as of how to tell her this news.  She's 5!  Her birthmother was 41.  How do you explain to a 5 year old the woman who gave her life is gone?  HOW? 

As far as we know, they haven't been together since Yaya was born.  Yet, we know without a doubt they have a spiritual connection we have tried desperately to understand, honor and respect.  After much prayer and advice from friends, family, spiritual and professional counselors we shared the news with Yaya.  She is taking the news as we were told she would.  She is obsorbing a little of the news at a time and of course she feels sad.  She wishes God could fix everyone's bodies and make them brand new again here on earth not just in heaven.  Who of us hasn't wished and prayed for this same thing?  We've been encouraged to talk to her about death and grief often so she doesn't feel it is taboo.  We've also been encouraged to share our own feelings of anger, sadness, questions of why to help her know she's safe and she's able to talk about it when/IF she wants to too.

There are so many thoughts and questions running through our minds.  There is so much we had hoped and dreamed for Yaya and her birthmother.  How do we begin to put our feelings to words and let those dreams for them go?  Thankfully a girlfriend of mine helped me see the truth and find some peace.  Yaya and her birthmother may not be together again here on earth but one day hopefully MANY MANY MANY years from now they will be reunited in Heaven.  That thought brings me peace and renewed hope.

For now, we grieve.  We give thanks for her letters she sent telling Yaya how much she is loved. We're thankful for the phone calls they shared that we captured on video for Yaya to know and hear her voice and be reminded she is and always will be loved and wanted by her birthmother. 

Please pray for our little girl as she finds her way through understanding what all of this means.  Pray that she remains a happy little girl who knows she is loved beyond measure no matter the circumstances.  Pray that Bird and I will have the wisdom to help her through the difficult times ahead as she processes what all of this means. 

Thank you

Feeling A Bit Vulnerable

I am having an emotional day/week. I see and appreciate all the beautiful blessings in my life but I still feel like SOMETHING or SOMEONE is missing. We've been making little changes in the house in attempt to prepare Yaya for her sibling's arrival but she doesn't understand why we're slowly changing her room and other things around when "her baby" isn't even here yet. How are we to help prepare her for a sibling when we have no idea of when he/she will arrive? No amount of explaining makes sense to her. How can it? It doesn't always make sense to us.
Honestly, there are no words to describe how it feels waiting to be "chosen." After awhile, you start to question EVERYTHING, "What's wrong with us or me? What's wrong with our profile? Are we saying something wrong? Are we coming across too strong or not strong enough? Do we sound too preachy? Should we change our pictures or the stories we've shared?" Some days the questions and insecurities just don't stop. I've even wondered if God intends for us to find a sibling for Yaya. WHAT IF it's not part of His plan? Seriously, WHAT IF?

In addition to waiting to be chosen, we've also been waiting to hear from Yaya's birth mom. She hasn't written us since she transitioned to her new home in May. We don't want to think she's returned to her old habits BUT... "Sigh"

Saturday, we received a second letter from Yaya's biological grandparents. The letter didn't share much emotion but it did share a little of their family history. They expressed joy at receiving our letter and photos and they included a birthday card, money for a birthday gift for Yaya and photos of Yaya's birth mom as a baby up to her wedding day. At the end of the letter Yaya's aunt asked to correspond with us too. We're happy to hear of their desire to be part of her life. At the same time, we realize this will open another chapter.

It was nice to see where Yaya gets her nose or her eyes. She resembles her mother a little as an infant and young child but already the resemblances are fading too. From the information her grandfather provided Yaya has some of her birth mother's emotional characteristics. I find it hard to describe how it feels now that some of our questions are being answered and that window into the past is opening. I wonder, if their sudden entrance into our life is God's way of preparing us for Yaya's sibling and the family that may come with him/her.

We wonder how it might effect Yaya if our second child has an involved birth family while her birth family only chooses to communitcate through occasional letters. Believe me...these things are quickly recognized and matter to a child. They see the differences very quickly and ask "WHY?" just like anyone else. To be honest, I'm not at all sure how to end this post. I am writing it in attempt to find some insight and peace. That said, I guess I'll ask for words of encouragement and prayers please.

Click HERE  to continue reading about our adoption journey.

Life's A Box of Chocolates

Sigh...as Forrest Gump once said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Yesterday we were coasting through our weekend routine when something unexpected fell in our lap or to be more precise our mailbox. At first, I thought it was a letter from Yaya's birth mom. I thought it was strange because the envelope's return address used her maiden name not the married one she normally goes by. Once I opened the letter I realized I was completely wrong. It wasn't from her birth mother at all. I had just opened our first letter from Yaya's biological grandparents. My heart began racing and my mind whirled with a million questions. I'll be honest, I cried. Bawled would be a better description. Not because I felt threatened by it or was afraid for Yaya. That wasn't it at all. I was just in complete and utter shock. You should know, we've often wondered about how they felt and have discussed what we would do or say if they ever contacted us. Thinking about our own parents missing out on one of their grand children's lives was all it took to convince us we would welcome any contact from them. That said, no amount of discussing or planning could have prepared us for that unexpected letter. I immediately called my girlfriend who has also adopted 2 girls and shared the letter with her. She stopped everything, prayed for me on the phone and she helped me focus on what they were saying and asking in the letter. Their letter was short and began with them introducing themselves and requesting to be part of Yaya's life through correspondence. They requested permission to send a gift on her birthday and at Christmas as well as any necessary family or medical history. In addition, they briefly explained their part in her adoption plan and how they felt about the job we're doing as parents. It was a very kind and respectful letter. Once I was able to get passed the initial shock and organize my thoughts and feelings I came to a new realization. HOW BLESSED IS MY CHILD TO HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE HER AND WANT TO BE PART OF HER LIFE?! Suddenly, my heart wasn't racing and my mind wasn't whirling. I found peace and began writing a response to them. We thanked them for helping Yaya's mother with the difficult decision of adoption. We thanked them for their generosity in offering to send gifts and provide any family or medical history they would like to share. We shared information about Yaya and what her adoption means to us, included some recent photos and told them we look forward to hearing from them in the future. You may wonder why I'm sharing this intimate part of our life. I guess it's because I want to be completely honest about all that adopting entails. Including all the unexpected surprises that sweet baby may bring your way.

A week of Beginnings and Endings

Beginning 1

I wanted to come to you all and ask for some prayers on behalf of Yaya's birth mom. We all wish we could get a second chance or "Do-Over" if you will. Well, she will be getting a chance at a new life and a new beginning any day now. We're talking new town, new home, new friends, new job. NEW EVERYTHING! Will you please join me in sending positive thoughts and prayers her way? She has many obstacles to overcome and I hope she'll be successful.

Beginning 2
This week, we started playing a few new games with Yaya. Go Fish and Crazy Eights. She loves them both! Tonight, we'll try Old Maid. I am very excited to be able to play games as a family. I hope she continues to love card games and board games as much as her daddy and I do.

Ending 1
Yaya had her last day of preschool yesterday. Wasn't it just yesterday we were all emotional because we were sending our kids to school? Now, I'm sad it's over. Good grief! Make up your mind already woman!

We celebrated by taking some homemade gifts to her teachers and principal. I can't take the credit for the poem or idea. I "borrowed" them both from Kathi at Tray Bella. Yaya helped me choose the paper color, took all the sticky papers of the scrapping tape so I could assemble them and she stuffed the mugs with a variety of mint candies including: Chocolate chip mint, Breath mints, Chocolate covered mints and peppermint puffs.

The quote on the mugs says,

Thanks for your:
commit-“mint” to help me learn,
encourage-“mint” to always do my best,
involve-“mint” in my life,
invest-“mint” of time and energy to make
school such a great place to be.
Thanks for making each day an
enjoy-“mint”.
Everything you have done this year has
really “mint” a lot to me!
Love, Nevaeh

I also took a few pictures of her on her last day of school.

(I'm not sure where she picked up this pose but it seems to be here to stay.)

Ending 2

To celebrate her last day of school, we took Yaya to see the final Shrek movie. FYI, We opted not to see it in 3-D and loved it just the same. Her sense of humor is so funny. It cracked us up to watch her giggle at things she thought were funny.

What beginnings or endings did you or your family experience this week?

Any emotional moments?

These Ties That Bind

It's often strange how people come into our lives. You may have been tennis partners in the 9th grade only to become friends for life. You may have gone to a friend's birthday party only to meet another person who gets you in ways not many have or ever will. You might speak on the phone with a stranger for 45 minutes before she blesses you with the one thing your heart yearns for and desires most. A child to call your own. That's how three strangers lives were bound for eternity almost three years ago. We received another letter from Yaya's birth mother yesterday. Her letters are always full of praise and love for us and for Yaya. I am so thankful she is happy with how we are raising her daughter, our daughter. We can tell she's read our letters and looked at the pictures we've sent in a way we will never understand. She soaks up each snap shot like a giant sponge and savors the moments captured in time as if she were there with us. Her words are often like poetry as she responds to what she sees and has read. She's always kind and loving yet, we often feel like we've been kicked in the gut after reading her words. Why you ask?

1. Because we know if it weren't for her unimaginable love for Yaya we would not be her parents today. 2. Her faith and trust in God and us for Yaya is AMAZING! 3. We sometimes feel in her blessing of adoption for us we have inadvertently taken something wonderful from her. No matter how hard we try to explain our life to her through letters and photos she will never truly experience these moments with Yaya first hand. It's a bitter sweet pill to swallow. 4. Last month, we sent her a letter asking if she would be willing to meet us in person. While reading yesterday's letter we hoped we might get an answer but there was no mention of it from her at all.

While trying to make sense of my/our emotions Bird and I came to another strange realization. We don't really know her. We've never met in person. We know only what she has shared through letters and the adoption history. We think of her as a person whose inner strength is beyond understanding. We see but will never understand her level of love and SELF SACRIFICE for us and for Yaya. Our relationship with her is unlike any other we've ever experienced first hand. It's no wonder we sometimes feel the way we do.

To the outsider, the tie that binds us might appear very tiny and sometimes even non-existent. If you think about it, most relationships are formed with common threads or experiences shared. From what we know, her experiences and ours are very different and at times have been on opposite sides of the spectrum. Even so, there are layers and layers of strings that tie us together. Those strings are tied, solidified and filled with an understanding of HOPE, LOVE, FAITH and TRUST even the three of us may never completely understand. In that realization I again can only attribute it to one thing... GOD.

It's a special celebration

Today is a special day in our family. It's the day we celebrate a woman who blessed us with our little girl. Last year, we had a BBQ and chocolate cake in her honor. Last night, we celebrated her special day early with carrot cake. Yaya doesn't quite understand who Mommy Terra is at this age but I feel it's important for her to hear about her and know how thankful we are to her for our little girl. Maybe someday our guest of honor will be able to attend our celebration.

Til then, Happy Birthday Mommy Terra. We love you.

Happy Birthday!

Today is a special day. 38 years ago Yaya's birth mother was born. To honor her we're having a small family celebration tonight for dinner. Unfortunately, the guest of honor will not be able to attend. You may ask why we would celebrate her when she's not able to be present? Because she is Always Present in our thoughts, prayers and especially when we look into our precious baby girl's eyes. She has given us the greatest gift a mother could give and YaYa deserves to know how special her birth mother is whether present or not.

A Poem of Thanks to a Birth Mother.

Once strangers, not knowing of each other,

God brought us together

To share a special bond of love

With a sweet little girl named Sarah.

You may never understand the pain

Or know the tears I cried.

My heart's desire was for a child

To nurture, love, and guide.

I may never understand the pain

Or know the tears you cried.

You said good-bye to this precious child,

Entrusting me to nurture, love, and guide.

I see your face in her pretty smile,

And love in her sparkling eyes.

She's the answer to countless prayers,

A blessing to many lives. No longer strangers,

We share a special bond of love

With a very precious gift

From our God above.

The above poem was written by:

© Copyright Karen Ledbetter

Happy Birthday Mommy Terra!

First we said a toast to you!

Then, we ate spaghetti squash, BBQ'd hamburgers, baked beans and

Yummy Chocolate Birthday Cake!

Wherever you are today, we hope you are surrounded by love and happiness.

Love, Bird, Frizzy and YaYa

Oh and just in case our own journey to parenthood isn't proof enough that God exists, here's another beautiful story of faith and adoption.