Alone With My Thoughts

Since running into Erika last weekend I've been doing a lot of thinking. I am overjoyed for her family and wish I could help them celebrate and welcome home their little one.  I also can't help thinking about their birth mom.  I wonder what she's going through right now?  Does she have someone in her family or a close friend to lean on?  Does she have a close relationship with God?  Has this experience made her question her faith?  I can't imagine walking into a hospital with a baby in my belly only to walk out of the hospital without him or her in my arms. 

I think of my friends who are expecting and I love seeing the joy and love they have for their unborn child.  There is something beautiful about a pregnant woman.  She has a manner and touch all her own.  How she holds her belly when she walks or relaxes into a chair.  How she rests her hands on or carresses her belly as if she were actually touching the baby itself.  It's amazing to watch.  I've asked questions about how it feels to be pregnant.  I try to be sensitive and try not to pry about intimate details but as a woman I'm curious.  It's a strange feeling to be a mother yet admit to someone I've never been pregnant.  I've never experienced what it's like to have a pregnancy test say I'm pregnant or had the opportunity to plan how I would share the news with Bird and our family.  I'll never experience what it's like to carry a child in my womb; experience morning sickness or pregnancy fatigue; to hear their heartbeat for the first time or feel their tiny body move inside my own.  I'll never find how much inner strength it takes to push my baby through a hole the size of a small cantelope.  YIKES!!!  Time and time again, I've tried to imagine experiencing all these things but it's impossible.  Especially when I add the question "What If I then had to decide if someone else should raise my baby?"

What IF... ?

What If I was alone in this huge decision? 

How would I handle my emotions, worries and fears?  Who would I trust?

What would I want to know about the families waiting to adopt my child?  

What characteristics would I look for in the couple? 

Would I want them to have physical similarities to me or my family? 
Would I want them to be the same race as my child? 
Would I want/expect them to embrace my child's heritage?

Would I want them to be rich or comfortable?  College educated or street smart?  

What kind of siblings would I hope my child would have? Would I want my baby to be the only adopted child in the family or would I want all the children to have been adopted and share a common bond?  Would I want them to live close to me so I could watch him or her grow?  Could I handle only receiving pictures and letters twice a year?  Would I be able to let go completely and not ask for any form of update or correspondence in return?  How would I deal with my loss?  How would I feel a week, a month, a year or 20 years down the road?  What would I want my child's adoptive parents to share with me in letters and photos?  What would I want them to say about me?  Would my child know they are loved and wanted by me even if I could not raise him/her?  What questions or thoughts does a birth mom have I haven't even thought of? 

These are just a few things I think and pray about when left alone with my thoughts. 

Click on HOPE AND A COUPLE FORTUNE COOKIES to continue reading about our adoption journey.