Before we married we attended premarital classes. We tested our compatibility by discussing our thoughts on finances, religion, sex, work and children with our minister. We were on the same page and in love. Completely!
About 6 months after we were married Bird changed his mind. One night while laying in bed he told me he had decided he didn't want children. As you can imagine I felt lied to, betrayed by the person I loved, trusted and had dedicated my life to. Then, one day I pointed out a beautiful baby while eating at a restaurant. His response to me was, "Just because you see a baby and you think it's cute, it doesn't mean we have to have one." OUCH!!! You can imagine I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and all the air was gone from my body. Not only could I not have a child but he was taking away my ability to enjoy them from afar as well. WAIT!!! Before you pass judgement on him you should know. My husband isn't this way!!! He's really very kind, considerate and loving. That is what made his harsh words even worse. Those words were the last thing I ever expected to hear from him. Anyway...after a long LONG discussion. We decided to stop talking about children at all. I enjoyed looking at them but I kept my thoughts and dreams of having one to myself.
Now you have a better understanding of why that baby outfit meant so much. The next few days I'll be writing about our journey to parenthood. This subject has been on my heart for a while but I didn't know why or what to do about it. We've been discussing a second child but I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through the big emotional roller coaster again. Over last 3 days, God has led me to several women's blogs. They have experienced or are experiencing struggles similar to my own while trying to become a mother. I think God wants me to write about my experiences. Possibly for my own reflection and way of deciding the next step for our family. Possibly to help someone else who may be struggling as I did. If my story can help one person then it'll be worth sharing it. My heart and prayers go out to them and I hope this poem brings them some peace as it did me.
Investment
How enviously I watched
the rose bush bear her bud-
Such an easy lovely birth.
And at that moment I wished
the sweet myth were true-
that I could pluck you my child
from some green vine.
But now as you breathe
through flesh that was mine,
gently in the small circle of my arms,
I see the wisdom of investment.
The easy gift is easy to forget
but what is bought with coin of pain
is dearly kept.
Author: Carol Lyn Pearson
A wise friend once shared that poem with me during my first InVitro attempt. She also said the following words, "You are buying with coin of pain right now, and it is true that your child will be ever more dear to you for it. That is priceless."
Click on the link below if you would like to continue reading about our first adoption journey.
Click on the link below if you would like to continue reading about our first adoption journey.
4 comments:
Oh how I remember talking with you through all of these trials and tribs that you went through. You are one tough cookie though and have made such strong gains in your life both emotionally, physically, and most importantly spiritually. I can't wait to read how you write this story!
I remember how mad I was at Scott for awhile and then how excited when he finally came around for you! He is such a great person and father! You got a good one even through the tough times!
Love you both!
Thank you for putting your pain on paper, so to speak. Sometimes I feel alone in this, and I have to remember that other women have been where I am, and have come out the other side.
Can't wait to read more.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Love you!
Wow, this seems so long ago and yet it was not.
You know, it is funny, Demon and I started the same way--seem to be on the same page about everything. Except I was "the Scott." (except I am wretchedly short) I decided a while later that I did not want children. My reason? I thought I would make an absolutely horrid mother.
Funny, that it seems Scott and I came out fine, so to speak! I can and do relate to him tho, and I know he is in no way a "bad guy"--I never felt like the bad guy tho I did feel like I deceived Demon and that was not my intention. I know it was not Scott's either. I think it is fear, fear of the very scary unknown. It is also comfort. You get reallllly comfortable in your ways, able to come and go as you please, and you think it makes you happy. Of course, I now know there is a greater joy. Much greater. I know Scott knows this too.
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