I love my monster with 2 heads.

Smiles.  Snuggles.  Sweet kisses.  Giggles. "I love you mom.  I love you too."
Phone rings disturbing the calm.  Car's ready.  Time to go.

"We will pause the movie til later."  The air crackles with negative energy and warnings of what's to come. Her mood instantly changes and can be seen in the flash of her eyes.  "I DON'T WANT TO GO." she states firmly in a low demanding tone. No reasoning. No answers make it better.  Her arguments grow louder into a crescendo.  She's lost control.  She screams!  She cries!  She throws herself to the floor.  She calls for anyone and everyone but me.  She shoots daggers at me with her eyes and they land centered in my heart.  DIRECT HIT!  Her high pitched unhumanlike screams are unbearable.

I shrink inside so sad this is her means to attempt to control me and her surroundings.  My mind races to find ways to neutralize and redirect this horrible moment.  She coughs and sputters attempting to make herself throw up.  Making herself throw up has become her ultimate means of getting her way. Sounds of gagging.  Then the horrible belch but nothing comes.  More screaming and anger now as she's mad she feels her body betrayed her too.  

I try to calm her with my voice.  I try to tell her this isn't how to get her way.  She kicks and screams and cries for "Grandma!"  Another shot pierces my heart.  Another direct hit.

My desperate attempts continue and now I'm yelling in hopes she'll hear me above her own wails. Even as I carry her out the door to the car she's screaming at the top of her lungs. What do the neighbors think?  I'm not hurting her!  I would NEVER hurt her!  She grabs and claws at anyone and anything in her reach.  She continues to violently grasp for any means of getting her way.  Sobbing, Shouting, Kicking, Begging, PLEADING for everyone but me.  In a split instant without even trying I've become her fiercest enemy.

Tears hang on my lashes but do not drop.  I cannot let them drop.  I cannot let my voice quiver.  I need to stay calm and firm.  This is not worth all of this.   I'm so sad, frustrated, angry and scared for her all at once.  I too want to scream, throw a fit and call for my mother (her grandmother) to help.  It won't help her and it won't help me.  I don't want this behavior for her life.  I don't want this to be how she copes and fights her battles.

The begging and pleading continue from the back seat as we drive down the road.  She runs her fingers through her hair over and over.  Her way of soothing herself.  Tears stream down her face and my own.  I love her so much it hurts.  I hate to see her get so angry.  It breaks me.

Silence comes and only her sniffles can be heard from the back seat.  She's asleep.  

This isn't the first time she's become a monster with 2 heads but I want it to be the last.  I pray for it to be the last. Please God let it be the last!  It's time to make the call.  It's time to ask for help and counseling.  I'm too close to the situation.  It's time to give her tools I do not have.  I love my monster with 2 heads.  I wish her a life with the ability to adapt to changes big and small in a healthy way.  I wish her a life of Smiles. Sweet snuggles.  Sweet Kisses. Giggles.  I love you mom and I love you too's.

I love my monster with 2 heads!