Week 4: Unfocused

All my life I dreamed of becoming a mom. My entire purpose for this blog was to share our journey to parenthood with loved ones.  I thank God EVERY day my dream and greatest prayers came true!  My girls are my everything.  When they're happy I'm happy.  When they struggle my heart hurts with theirs and I find I struggle along with them.  I am their biggest cheerleader and encourager!  Sometimes I fear how involved I am in their lives and emotions.  I don't want to end up like the mom on The Goldbergs finding any and every way to cling to my babies and insert myself into their lives. Instead, I want to have my own interests and another career while I continue to teach and encourage them to become the people they were created to be.  I want them to see and believe their dreams can come true too!  It's all causing me to feel a bit lost and unfocused.  Daily, I watch and encourage them to be more independent while clinging to every last moment. Before I know it they'll both be in school and I'll have WAY too much free time on my hands and mind.  I need to find a new purpose, career and dream.  The point of all this is to ask myself, 

"What do I want to be now that my lifelong dream/prayer has come true and what do I want to be when my children grow up?"

I need focus!  

Sadly, my desire to return to Social Work is gone.  Plus, I would need to return to school for a Masters degree along with a few added certifications to work in this state. I don't want to further my education on a career I no longer have a heart or interest in.  My friends and family have been pushing me to do something with my photography and/or writing for a few years.  Last year, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and asked to sell my photo cards in a local card shop.  Thank goodness the owner said, "Yes!" and I have been able to sell them there.  As an added bonus, I've been invited to sell them at several in-home parties.  It's been a nice hobby and has allowed me to have a little "fun" money but how do I make my photography hobby into a business?  As for my writing, it's easily taken a back seat to life.  I would love to make one or combine both of these loves into a career but I'm my own worst critic and enemy.  It's hard to put yourself out there.  It's painfully difficult to ask others to help you.  Both of these creative processes can leave you feeling completely open and vulnerable.  After all, you're laying your heart and innermost thoughts and visions out there for the world to see.

Last year, a dear friend encouraged me to buy the rights to a few websites IN CASE I ever decided to start a business.  Talk about putting the horse before the cart but I wanted to be able to have my name in the web address should my dreams become reality.  I see the first anniversary of the website purchases quickly approaching.  I reached out to her and another friend to help make my dream of starting a photography business a reality regarding branding, logo and website design.  In talking with them I find I have more questions than answers.  I've studied, I've practiced, I've researched, I've waited and I continue to put my heart and work out there for others enjoyment.  I've prayed for God to show me his new path and direction for my future.  I want to be ready if and when it's time to move.  

This week, I began my second Bible study with a small group of close friends.  The end of our last study posed the question, "Why do you believe Jesus is Lord?"  I'd never questioned why I believed in God.  For the most part I have just accepted it as truth.  This new study is about Apologetics and the truth of answering and sharing why Jesus is Lord.  Already this study has made me question what I see as TRUTHS in religion and life.  I also received a book this week on writing from my mother-in-law.  She was one of the first people to encourage me to write.  When I confided in her I was blogging/writing again she immediately offered to come along side me.  She's given me writing exercises, read and critiqued the first draft of the children's book I'm writing and sent me a new writing book to hone my skills.  The first chapter of the Bible study and the new writing book have made me question what God's TRUTH is for me and my life.  In addition, they've both given me a few exercises, techniques and places to set my focus.   The photo below is a writing technique I tried out to find some focus and direction for today's writing.