Reflections

I've been doing a lot of reflecting.  Reflecting about summer activities, my body, my family, my self image and my daughters' self image too.

 



Definitions of the word Reflections as defined by Dictionary.com

1. the act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.

2. an image; representation; counterpart.

3. a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration.

4. a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.

5. an unfavorable remark or observation.

 

Synonyms of reflections: meditation, rumination, deliberation, cogitation, study, thinking. 5. imputation, aspersion, reproach, criticism.

 

Before summer started, I was invited to be a sub at a monthly Bunco party with friends.  The theme of the night was tea party.  Two days before the party the hostess emailed and encouraged everyone to dress up and make the tea party theme fun by getting into character.  Sounds fun right?  I mean what mom/woman doesn't want a reason to dress up?  ME!  Let me clarify, I used to enjoy dressing up when I had a cute little figure.  Before I stopped working outside the home and stopped buying nice clothes.  Before I outgrew all my nice dresses or before they were urped on or ruined by little hands and fingers.  I immediately began crying.  I'm talking uncontrolled sobs.  I couldn't face going to a party wearing the clothes I wear every day when everyone would be showing up looking beautiful and dressed to the nines.  I tried to pull myself together and called the hostess to let her know I wouldn't be able to come because I didn't want to ruin her party by not playing along.   She was gracious and sweet and encouraged me to come as I am.  No matter how kind she was I couldn't shake how sad I felt as I reflected on my self image and my closet.

 

Shortly after I arrived at the bunco night, a few of us began talking about our self images.  I admitted how sad I was about how I look and even compared myself to a turtle when I wear hats because of my round face.  My friends stopped me in my tracks and shared this video made by Dove.  Please watch the video by clicking on the highlighted words before reading on. 

 

Needless to say, it made me cry again.  It made me reflect on how many times I've said or thought negative things about myself and how deeply those thoughts have wounded my soul.  It made me worry about how my girls will see themselves years from now after comparing themselves to others or after hearing a mean or jealous boy or girl say something about them. Will they see the real person they are or will they see the image projected onto them or fabricated in their own minds?  Would how I see myself impact how they see themselves?

 

Fast forward to the past month.  Yaya has had a lot of questions about her body and how it works and if everything is working and looking right.  She's also had a lot of questions about her birth mom and what she looked and was like.  She's trying to figure out her place in this world, this family and the family she left behind.  As her first visit with her biological grandmother and aunt approached she became more and more sad and emotional over the loss of her birth mom and the fact that she would never see her face.  She asked me if she looked like her.  She grieved a past and a life she never knew.  She grieved relationships she never had.  She reflected a lot on what could have been if circumstances were different.  She wished she had never been adopted. I repeat, SHE WISHED SHE HAD NEVER BEEN ADOPTED. OUCH!!!!  I found my heart breaking.  It broke for Scott and I but mostly for and with her.  I wanted to make it all better and to take her pain away.  I wanted to help her reflect on happy things like the fact that she's with us and she was an answer to OUR prayers.  The fact is, our answered prayers and happy memories come at a great loss for her.  I've known this day would eventually come but I prayed it would be years from now.  I can't tell you how badly it hurts to see your baby hurting and you can't do anything to make it better.  

 

I began trying to find ways to help Yaya like herself and her past.  To help her make peace with who she is and where she is now.  I encouraged her to talk to her biological family about the questions she had when we met them.  I offered to ask them for her.  The day finally arrived and I tried to find a million ways to make meeting her biological family as "normal" and as "natural" as it could possibly be in the middle of nowhere in a hotel.  I planned every day activities for them to do together to break the ice and allow conversation to flow more naturally.  A special tea party complete with table clothes and china from home, crafts to make together, books to read, blank pages to fill with notes or sketches, swimming suits for play, Bird brought play dough for them to create things together too.  I wanted them to have the chance to do the things they would've done had Scott and I never entered the picture.  I wanted to encourage positive natural interactions so they could all reflect on happy memories of what did happen between them instead of what did not.  All this in hopes of helping Yaya find her true self image.  Her true beauty both inside and out.

 

Tonight, I sit here reflecting on the past month and weekend, filled with RAW emotion. Reflecting on my emotions related to my own self image compounded by feelings of insecurity once again.  Insecurity that I'll never be enough for her or for me.  Reflecting on how many times I've been told she looks so much like me only to know the reality is she resembles someone else more.  Reflecting on the joy she brings and the beauty she is both inside and out.  Reflecting on how much I love her and can't bear to think of my life without her in it.  Watching her with her biological family brought a joy to my heart as well as a pain I'm still trying to work through.  I saw their physical reflections in one another.  I saw where some of her actions come from.  Yaya wasn't born from my body but she has and always will be one of two children who filled my heart and made me and my life complete.  

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  I've been reflecting on what it means and the synonyms for it.  The synonyms "reproach and criticism" stand out cruelly and are painful to consider.  As I reflect, I'm not happy with some of the things I see in how I self talk.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and I am making a vow here that I'm going to do better and be kinder to myself.  I'm going to work hard at seeing and believing I'm the person others see in me.