Complete Awe

Last weekend, I attended the annual NASW conference in Reno.  I attended the conference to earn continuing education credits to keep my Social Work license current. It was jam packed full of wonderful information and quite a few familiar faces.  One of those familiar faces was the adoption Social Worker who matched us with Yaya.  Seeing her again brought back so many raw emotions and memories and I found myself re-living those first precious moments with Yaya all over again.  Some days the story of how Yaya was placed in our arms is still difficult to believe, even for me. 

  

I recall riding home with Yaya for the first time in the backseat of our car.  I watched her every move and every expression.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her let alone believe she was really our baby girl.  I wanted nothing more in life than to love, hold, protect and stare at her forever.  I was overjoyed and terrified all at once.  It was FINALLY my turn to be a mom and I wanted to be the best mom EVER. 

I remember us talking about how we would finally get to share/introduce her to our friends and family.  Insert the image of Simba being introduced to the kingdom the morning he was born in The Lion King.  On the other hand, we waited so long for her we didn't want to share her with anyone.  Selfishly we wanted to keep her all to ourselves. We wanted to be alone with her to soak every inch of her into our senses.  We wanted time to allow the bonds between the three of us to form.

I recall wondering if she had any clue what was going on.  I worried how she would act when we got her home. Would she miss the woman she had come to know and depend on over the last two months?  Would she miss her foster siblings who had been so loving and attentive to her?  Would she sleep OK?   Would she cry all night?  Would I be able to soothe her if/when the tears began to fall?  That was a little over 4 years ago.

Many of the worries and feelings I/we felt back then are the same today.  We still can't wait to wrap her in our arms and shower her with our love.  She often catches me staring at her with a goofy expression on my face and she inevitably asks, "What?  Why are you staring at me like that again mommy?"  We still worry about how she feels and we wonder what she's going through at any given moment as she bounces through her day.  We are careful to speak kindly of and honor her birthmom when she asks difficult questions about her and her life before us.  We beam with pride as we watch her conquer new tasks with enthusiasm or happily interact with others.  We fight the internal battle to keep her our little baby while realizing we have to let her go and grow and experience all that life has to offer her.   Today, like the day we met her we find, there is nothing we wouldn't do for her.  Today, like that fateful day she became ours we are in complete awe of her and God's plan for our lives.